Wanting to lose weight but I can't put down the fork...

Now I am not usually a girl who follows fad diets nor swallows every pill that vows to make me a size 2 in just weeks.... but I have had my attempts at the Slim life (funny how when your fat everyone smaller than you is "skinny" or slim). My first attempt at losing weight was merely portion control, reducing the size of my meals but changing nothing else about them. This was helpful but not effective-all I did was end up maintaining my current weight which was not cutting it. I finally got tired of no results and decided not to diet..even when after giving birth I shot from a size 14 to a size 22 almost overnight. It was my body.... I was healthy... why worry. My next diet attempt was inspired solely by fear. The U.S was on mad cow kick and recalling beef. I had a terrible fear of catching this disease. Though it was quite irrational I instantly became a vegan. I would eat nothing made with or from any animal products or by-products. Not even make-up! It was a crazy world of vegetable pot pies, and salads and the like. I lost 35 pounds. It was great, but it was a side effect of fear and I had to get over my fear. In order to function normally I come up with the most insane idea. I would try the Atkin's low-carb diet. The complete opposite of being vegan... it was far fetched but total me and believe it or not it worked. I lost 70 lbs in 3 months. I was a size 14 again. It was bliss. I went shopping for new clothes because my old clothes seemed like mere shadows of the old me. My confidence level shot up. I was able to exercise without having an asthma attack. I would wear my big clothes a little longer than necessary because I enjoyed the feel of the jeans falling off my hips.

Unfortunately, my world of being smaller was about to take a turn for the worst. Just as I was at my lowest weight since Junior High School-220 lb. I ended up in huge domestic dispute and me and my fiance split. The situation made it so that all I would be able to consume was high carb meals... I tried at first to eat only protein but anyone who is not "well to do" will tell you that Atkin's is a not a poor man's diet... meat is expensive. The weight slowly piled back on... I had went from 290 lbs to 220 lb. only to shoot past to 310 lb. I felt defeated and it made me self-conscious. I was now at the dreaded 300 lb. mark, I remember saying, "if I ever reached 300 pounds I would seek help". I toggled between 300 lb. and 310 lb. for 1 year before seeking professional help.

As my quest for thinness continued, I found that my insurance covered the gastric by-pass. After joining an online forum and writing a letter to my doctor explaining why I felt I needed surgery, I really thought this was what I wanted. Pre-Op counseling and testing was mandatory but it only took one meeting with women who had gone through the procedure and people who were about to, to change my mind. I looked around and saw women who were diabetic, who had heart problems but they were 400 and 500 lbs.. I heard about having to take vitamins forever, and other complications, I heard about feeling cold and getting drunk from a single shot glass of wine. I heard about most women end up wearing turtlenecks and I got to see how the skin looks afterward too.

One thing was sure, that meeting did not do it's job... it was supposed to encourage me, to show me others were successful. All it did was show me how much I did not fit in to this group. I was not dying of a co-morbity. I had nothing wrong with my cholesterol, my heart, or my glucose level. I was just a fat girl. Period . These people were in motorized wheelchairs, and canes, and breathing tanks and here I was able bodied, healthy and strong and I was about to voluntarily have a surgery that would change my life forever. I was thinking of having a surgery that would undoubtedly end up giving me problems or worse take my life entirely. I walked out of that meeting a new woman. I was going to embrace my curves regardless. I was going to keep eating veggies and drinking nutritional drinks.

The Plot thickens.....My Surgery was scheduled for December 12, 2007. Needless to say, I never showed up. On December 15, 2007 I tested positive on a pregnancy test. I was carrying my son. Had I gone in for surgery... the pregnancy would have been an EPIC FAIL. Here I was concerned about my weight and I was about to face more of it. Oddly enough my son made me lose weight and I entered labor 13 lbs less than I had started my pregnancy. After delivery I was 22 lbs slimmer, once again I was in my glory. However, it was the breastfeeding that did it and as I began weaning... I also began gaining. My son is 2 years old now. I now weigh 330 lbs. I am wearing a size 22 or 24 depending on style. I no longer care about the scale numbers. I just do not like sizing out of clothes every 6 months. Being the fashionista I am, it it inconvenient when your timeless pieces have to be replaced so often. So I am making a lifestyle change. I want to create my own personalize eating plan and follow it forever. Period. The moral of this story was that dieting never works because you are going to be in a situation where you will want to or have to eat something forbidden and who wants to live life always on the borderline of flunking your diet. You have to make a lifestyle change...a permanent one. That is why people choose by-pass because it's a physical change, you are forced to eat less... but all too often they gain it back because truthfully if you do not change how you feel about the food, it doesn't matter what you do, you will continue to be controlled by it. I do not aspire to be a size 10 but I do not want to a size 26 either, it's all a matter of preference. There is no right size for everyone. The size you need is the size that makes YOU feel good! I feel my best at size 18... that's my comfort zone. I feel light, even more confident and lots of energy... so that's my ideal size, not what some BMI or fashion magazine tells me is ideal. Embrace your curves ladies whatever your size, and if you want to change it, then do it safely and slowly and love the skin your in: the whole way there.... Fat Girl Over and Out....

Feeling Socially Connected....

One of the roughest things I have faced socially as a fat girl was connecting with friends while shopping. It was so frustrating to watch as my friend bought the entire outfit the mannequin was wearing without once trying anything on. I can recall growling in envy as she later shimmied into jeans I could only dream of owning. Watching her buy all the name brand clothes that carried my size, but through the catalog only... that was a doozy. I felt like going up the the manage and saying Do I exist ? Can I be stylish too? Defeated I would march myself into a Plus Size store where everything resembled my mother's drapes... and buy an Ugly shirt one size too small so it would appear some what sexy... I did this on and on... until I started making some of my own clothes or reconstructing them rather... then I searched the city far and wide.. and started finding cool clothes in my size! Yes I had hit pay dirt... and it took time to get used to the attention and the confidence boost that went with it but in the end... a Fat Girl Diva was born..... I was in my element and I knew then.. it would be the other way around.... soon after my "skinny" friends were asking me where I got my clothes... upset that it didn't come in their size. It was awesome, and liberating and refreshing... and truth be told... it is still happening today... the moral of this story is... if you truly feel like you don't want to fade into the wood work... then DON'T! I still see women today wearing those curtain-like clothes, and I feel a little sad inside because that was once me.... Please ladies... if you are Glam stay Glam and if your not then get Glam.... you don't have to wear a mini skirt or a super low cut blouse if your not ready.. but don't by your clothes too big like a friend of mine used to. Just really take the time to really find what you like. not just what they make in your size.... Till next time ladies..... Fat Girl Signs Out!